Excuse Me, Your Forgiveness Is Showing

There is one thing that HIV doesn’t want you to learn.

There is one thing that HIV stigma wants you to avoid or you will kill it.

 

If you embrace this one tactic, component of life, treasure to spiritual prosperity, you could possibly wipe out fears, myths and misconceptions about HIV/AIDS.

To understand what this is, you must understand my perspective.  It’s the truth, my truth, but the truth nonetheless.

I’ve been asked several times when I travel speaking to different groups about my life with HIV about the person that  I contracted the virus from. Many assume when listening to my story that it’s from one person, but as the events of my story unfolds, the reality that I do not know the true identity of this indivdual that infected me is revealed. When I met him, he was Mr. Fine As H***, a masterpiece of God’s design, Fine for no reason and just Fine.  Not to go into great detail, but when I went looking for him weeks later, the individual that answered his door didn’t know who I was speaking of by the name I gave him. When I gave a physical description, the stranger then recognized immediately who I was looking for, explained that that indvidual was only in town visiting for a little while and that he didn’t know where I could find him.

Upon my diagnosis in hindsight, I was led to believe that he lied intentionally about who he was. Some may say I’m in denial because of shame that I had a one night stand. There is no shame in what  I did. I made a mistake, I’m human and I’ve been redeemed for that through the grace and mercy of God. I am not in denial. I’ve spent too many nights up crying asking why someone would do this and never getting a satisfactory answer, I simply let it go.

Until I stood before a room of approximately 200 high school students and one brave young man asked me, “What would you do if you were to see the guy who infected you again?” This immediately started side conversations of how people would take out violent acts against him, verbal assaults, and other things I’d rather not mention.  I hesitated for a great deal before I honestly answered his question. I had never really put thought into it before that moment. A part of me wanted to rebirth the initial anger I felt when I was first diagnosed. A part of me wanted to join in with the students as they discussed (in graphic details) how they would handle the ill fated reunion. I finally took a deep breath and slowly walked up to the young man that posed the question so that he could see the sincerity in my eyes and replied…

“I’d be happy”.

Gasps, giggles, snickers and OMG’s filled the room. I gave them a moment to collect themselves as I went into explanation.

I’d be happy to see him because that means he’s still alive. Though I know that HIV is not a death sentence, there is still this invisible time clock inside of me attached to my CD4 count that reminds me how close I could be to taking a dirt bath. So, to see him alive would be a positive confirmation for me physically that I’m going to be ok. The other reason I’d be happy… and I knew upon saying this that no one but God could put this in my heart, but I’d also be happy because that means that if he hasn’t done so already, he has time to get his life right, repent and allow God to enter into His life. I’d lastly be happy because then I’d have the opportunity to look him in the eye on this side of life and tell him, “I forgive you.”

To some it makes no sense, to many it goes beyond understanding, but that’s what forgiveness does.  I honestly do not have the time or the energy to hate someone for the rest of my life for something that I was equally responsible in doing. No one put a gun to my head and made me sleep with him. No one forced me to step outside of what good sense I had that night and give him a part of me that I could never give back. I chose to do those things and God allowed it to happen. And I’m glad for it, because at the end of the day, it’s not about me…it’s about God getting the glory. He allowed something to happen to me that others could not and do not handle well. He allowed me to be a vessel to demonstrate what following Him and embracing His word can do for your life. I feel more blessed having this in my life and I honestly do not like to think of the road I was headed down before I knew my status.

So, you see, the one thing that HIV hates is forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself because I’ve learned to love myself now. I’ve forgiven the guy because even if he did it intentionally, what the enemy desired to harm me, God used it to His glory. I share my testimony willingly so that others can see that when you put a period where God puts a coma, you’re essentially blocking a blessing/breakthrough. When you put a comma where God puts a period, you’re essentially holding on to undue struggles that God is delivering you from. But if you put an exclamation point behind every trial and triumph, you are giving God the glory in ALL that occurs, thus walking in victory no matter what.

I encourage those of you trying to find the secret to conquering a battle in your life to stake your claim on God’s eternal kingdom by continuing to do His work according to His will. Bless others through your praise. You have the power to be the vessel that helps ends someone’s suffering, continue someone’s rejoicing or to highlight God’s victory and to forgive. Sometimes the harm that has come against you was for the betterment of you in the long run.

Secrets to Being a Hero

Some people hear the word hero and think of Superman with his ability to see through buildings or fly. Some think of Batman’s ability to stand up for injustice and fight crime. Others may envision Wolverine and his ability to heal quickly as well as strength that was inhuman. I thought a hero was someone who had a perfect life, no flaws, motivated others to respect them, was open-hearted enough to love all and had the ability to warrant a following of sorts. Wherever a hero went, happy people followed. A hero had it all.

Mariah Carey’s “Hero” is a song that always brings tears to my eyes and always makes me create a video montage of people that have touched my life in some epic way play in my head, that fit my rose-colored definition of hero.  My 2nd grade teacher Mrs. Richardson, simply because of her warmth and kindness to the “new girl” in class.  The foreign exchange student Jessica, that came from Germany in the 4th grade.  There were celebrities that also made the list throughout my childhood including, Whitney Houston, Brandy, and Will Smith. I loved to read and escape what I thought was drama in my life  and my one of my favorite authors of my childhood, Francine Pascal (Sweet Valley High), among the celebrities mentioned; were people that I thought had all the answers. They painted life to be perfectly wonderful and either sang you through the happy times, made you laugh away your tears, or transported you into their fictional universe where nothing went wrong – or if it did, it was fixed in ten to fifteen chapters.   

Unaware that my definition on a hero kept changing throughout my life, I began to try to surround myself with people that I thought fit the bill of what the “untouchable” heroes in my life represented. My first official best friends from middle school (who are still strong, powerful women in my life now), Mr. White and his relentless positive energy towards the entire student body, plus the constant playing of the rock ballad, “We Are The Champions” by Queen. Even the kids that were mean to me ended up being heroes because they birthed a confidence in me to stand up for myself that I didn’t know I had.

As high school began to sprinkle pieces of reality, my idea of hero kind of blurred and while I don’t mean to paint out my entire life story or do a memorial for mistakes made and regrets remembered, I learned the hard way “birds of a feather, flock together”.

It took me several years of trying on capes and developing prototypes for super powers before I realized that I was going about being a hero all wrong. I was trying to inspire through the lives of others when I had no experience in what brought them to their victory and I was ignoring my victory in the process. It was not until I looked out into an audience of 100 something women in 2007 and shared my story for the first time of living with HIV/AIDS that I realized heroes are born every single moment of every single day and that it is a choice to accept the role or deny the responsibility that comes with it.

The decisions that I made, poor ones and ones out of insecurity that led me to be diagnosed with HIV, created my story…some might even call it a mess. I prefer to claim it as a message. Everyone has a message…something in their life that they turned around, that they not only survived, but they conquered. So, after I shared my story with a room full of strangers and saw the light come on in many women’s eyes that day and since, I now see that being a hero doesn’t happen by chance, it happens by choice and the secrets to being a hero were revealed to me so I will share some with you!

Secret #1 – A series of bad events doesn’t have to be a tragedy. You have the power to write the ending to a chapter in your life, embrace the power of your personal pen!

Secret #2 – No one is perfect, especially a hero. Invisibility isn’t the answer, transparency is what can inspire a whole generation, share with others what gets you through your struggles.

Secret #3 – Super human strength can be achieved.  Heroes usually had to conquer something and choose to live to tell someone about it.

Secret #4 – Sometimes the cape is really there to just dry up the tears. Don’t try to live up to the world’s standards…stand for what you believe in and don’t back down.

Secret #5 – X-ray vision is a real power, use it to reflect on the past so that you can see through the roadblocks that may occur in the future.

Secret #6 – The ultimate secret to being a hero is to be the star of your own story. No one else can take credit when you climbed a mountain, put out a fire or kept your head above water…

Well…no one except the real hero (at least in my life), Jesus Christ! I don’t know anyone else who has or is willing to die for all my sins and even while I am still sinning; love me when I reject them in my daily walk time after time, or grant me blessings, grace and mercy when I least deserve it.

The best secret, is the one thing that isn’t a secret at all…to be a hero – SERVE a Savioiur!

 *This post is dedicated to the heroes I have of today, those that have inspired me to continue to share my story to God’s glory, those that paved the way before me, that support and love me even when there is just one in the crowd. I am motivated by your foundation of Strength, Initiative, Spirituality, Tenacity, Unity, Health (awareness) and Substance. I strive to be a catalyst of change in someone’s life, to a be an effective part of a movement that saturates a generation and envelopes a legacy that my ancestors would be proud of.  Thank you, you are not alone.*

All Growed Up – “throwback”

The following blog post is from the beginning of this year  and as I’m cleaning out files and updating my folders on my computer I realized that I saved this for a reason. Why I never posted it when I intended, I’m not sure. So since I’m trying to update my blog on a weekly basis I happily post this as a “throwback” of sorts because God has brought me through so much in this year, to look back and see your growth as a reminder that though it may seem that you are standing still, God has you on a continuous path to His glory…it is really enlightening… empowering! *happy* dance

 

January 2011 – I’ve left this blog window open for two days. I guess I was trying to air out all the jumbled thoughts in my head before I composed an actual blog. Eh, well…thoughts are not as jumbled, but I think writing them all out will clear them up.

Since my “Ten for 2010″ blog where I totally aired out my ugliness, I have had the opportunity to get into some conversations with some very influential people in my life. All of them supportive and all of them I love. I’ve taken all things said totally to heart, and to God in prayer and have settled in this unrelenting supernatural peace about the coming events of Monday that there are times I forget what I was even apprehensive about.

I mean, it’s a doctor’s appointment! I’m supposed to be doing this. It’s not like it’s an appointment to a casket fitting! I should be excited – right? Well, I’m not so I decided to write out the worst that can happen so I can see how ridiculous I’m being.

So, I walk into the appointment and the doctor says to me, “Miss Gammon, you’re going to die in one hour.”

That was honestly all I can come up with. You know why? Because no matter what they tell me when I walk in, God’s got it! I need to stop beating myself up for letting my red ribbon get a little frayed. I need to stop trying to upgrade to halo status and remember that God has me here for a reason and I need to stop taking advantage of it! I have to start realizing that I’m worth being healthy and I deserve to live. Someone once asked me had I given up and I looked at them all crazy…”Suicidal? Me? Never!” Ok, not never, but at least not recently and not because of my status (yes there are other things that make me sadder than my health, I’m a mess, I know). But I haven’t given up…in a weird way, I love the life that being HIV positive has brought me.

Let’s talk about those pluses shall we? I have learned to stop worrying about people judging me. I’m more assertive in showing people, especially men how I want to be treated and there are a lot of things that I don’t let bother me in life that used to make me mad at the mere thought. I have grown closer with God…hey, when you hit rock bottom there is no where else to look but UP so yeah!

strongly boasting my weakness :musings of a quiet struggle

Today I received an email of daily devotionals for women. As I type this, I haven’t read it yet. It was titled, “The Spelling Train” from 2 Corinthians 2:10 and that threw me in a tailspin of memories and was immediately thrown back into yesterday. That email reminded me that the strength I prayed for requires me to take responsibility for the time I chose weakness over strength. So, here we go…

Yesterday was a rough day for me. I can’t really explain it but perhaps it was because of letting stress get to me that I began to step away spiritually and mentally from the source from which comes my help.

I woke up struggling with feeling disconnected from God completely. Then I spent the day being reminded of how far God has brought me. ( I ran into an ex that I dated while at a very low point in life, I was also confronted with some health issues that I hadn’t dealt with since they occured and I just felt like I was swimming in guilt and depression all day.) I battled with thoughts, “Lord is this the direct result of me deliberately not seeking you in my time of need?”

I found the answer in this, a reflection from Sunday School at my church. Our discussion focused on the persecutions of Paul, who at one time was the chief persecutor of the early church, and now willingly suffered and was run out of cities for preaching the Gospel.

Where am I going with this?

Everyone has a weakness, some wear theirs openly or unknowingly. Many have more than one weakness. I have one that I struggle with and do not let it show. As of last November, I wholeheartedly turned it over to God completely. And up until the day before yesterday I did very well. But when the end of day approached me, the stress of the weeks prior were on my shoulders and sleep never found me, I gave in. In the process of me giving in, I felt nudges from the Holy Spirit to seek other methods to find rest. I deliberately turned away from them. Which is why I woke up feeling the way I did. How dare I turn this struggle over to God, then purposefully seek it when He was provided me other measures, other sources of strength? Why didn’t I choose to find rest in Him?

Because I allowed my weakness to override what God says He will provide for me, what God says He will provide for all that embrace the Gospel, His word.  As a Christian, I proudly claim to be able “to do all things through Christ”; however in my free will pick and chooose what things I want to do through me and that is not what God desires.

So, I spent the day seeking a way beyond praying for forgiveness, beyond “fixing” it, to reconcile, restore and rejuvenate the relationship that I purposefully turned away. I found 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 “And He has said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness,’ Most gladly, therefore, I [Paul] will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore, I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.”

So my suffering through feeling disconnected from God was not punishment for pushing Him away, I feel it as Him reminding me that He still loves me, He is using me to demonstrate His godliness for I turned right back to Him in repentance and recognized that perhaps boasting my weakness is something that I need to do. Sometimes in your weakness God is preparing you to help others in theirs. Don’t question why? But ask God, when? As in, when do I use this to your glory?

I’ve learned through being diagosed with HIV that God will allow something to specifically happen to you because another couldn’t handle it as a “weakness”. He created you, so He knows what you can handle and He WILL provide.

The authors of the study that we are doing in church pointed out this summary of Paul and how to live victoriously in difficult times:

“He [Paul] was afflicted with outward conflicts and inward fears, yet he was comforted by God and by others. He recognized that he was a humanly weak vessel whose power was from God and not from within himself. Paul showed that nothing can seperate us from the love of Christ, and he revealed to us the key to victory: We overwhelmingly conquer through Jesus Christ. ” (Arthur, 2010)

Dear Heavenly Father, it’s amazing to think of all You have done in my life. Thank you for reminding me what you’ve brought me from and how you’ve provided strength and grace to me over the years. Thank you for supplying me with your strength so that I may boast my weaknesses to your glory. You have taken my greatest weaknesses and turn them into my greatest strengths and may I never forget that. When I am weak, through the power of the Holy Spirit I am strong. Thank You for working in me and through me. And help me never to believe the lies of the enemy that say “I’m not enough” again.
In Jesus’ name,
Amen.

Bloggers Note: I purposefully did not mention what the exact weakness is that I am referring to, so as to not remove the focus of what I am saying. I want everyone to be able to relate, not just those that either have dealt with my particular issue or those that feel in position to judge it. Remember, my red ribbon unravels and there is only one who can mend it.

Arthur, K., Vereen, B., Vereen, D.,  (2010). Living Victoriously in Difficult Times.  Colorado Springs, CO.,  WaterBrook Press

deciding to decide…choices

We all have choices to make.

We all have reasons for why we make these choices.

Sometimes they are not the best decisions in the world and sometimes our whole world changes for the better because of these decisions.

When I was infected with HIV, that was a choice I didn’t make. But I chose to put myself at risk to be exposed to the virus.

My choice was based off of shallow ideals and insecurities. I had a point to prove to someone who didn’t care that I was too insecure to stand on my own  – apart from the crowd. My choice was based off of my perception of what was an acceptable lifestyle for me. So having incorrect or warped conceptions and now stability in choosing to love myself enough to be my own person led to a road full of bad decisions.

In my choosing to take a more positive perspective and share it with others has really been rewarding. I’ve met others who haven’t had a support system and I am able to share my experiences with them. They, in turn pay it forward taking a little light with them, passing the torch of hope and healing. I realize that the more I help others, the more free I feel in fighting the stigma, the battle with myself gets lesser and lesser. So much to the point that I’ve participated in a campaign where I get to journal my life for the past thirty days and submit it where it will be used to educate throughout the state of FL. I can’t give exact information yet, but trust as soon as I am able, there will be links and photos available.

In the meantime, my personal victories have astounded me and strengthened my faith in God. I’ve been working on being able to travel and network more. I am thirsty for knowledge and have learned that it all isn’t free. Whether I have to pay out of pocket for travel expenses or pay from making a bad choice on missing an opportunity to meet a person, the knowledge I’ve gained had a price. So far, I have no regrets…some moments the price is more diffucult to balance in my checkbook of experience, but all in all, I’ve gained interest in growing to be the better person I strive to be daily, the woman of God I intend to be in this walk of life.

I recently read an anecdote about junior level marketing executives attending a seminar. The speaker drove home the message of taking responsibility for standing on your own and making decisions.  “If five frogs are sitting on a log and three of them decide to jump,” he asked the audience, “how many frogs are left on the log?” The answers were unanimous as they replied, “Two.” “Wrong,” the speaker chided, “there is a difference between deciding to jump and jumping so there are still five frogs on the log.”

Decide to decide…then make a choice. It won’t always be easy but if your motives are pure, the reward will be greater than you could have ever imagined.

Incoming Text: Fwd:Fw:FWD: stop

Dear Text/Email Forwarder,

I am writing this as a sort of intervention for those of you that love sending FWD:FWD:FW:FD:Fwd:Fwd: messages. This is for your good as well as those that love you.

STOP IT.

Should you receive another text that reads as the following [or anything similar to it:

This guy/girl was raped by someone who gave them AIDS and now they are seeking revenge ruining people's lives. They go by different names and are intent on infecting innocent people with HIV/AIDS. Please help your loved ones by finding this person. Forward this message to everyone you know - don't hesitate because this could be your sister, brother, daughter or son!

And then above this heartwrenching message is a clear picture of an unknown male or female.

STOP and THINK before considering forwarding that message.

to send or not to send

Let’s consider a few things:

1 – When you received the text you noticed it had been forwarded at least five times before it got to you – which must make the information contained within authentc, right?

2 – There is a picture of the individual accused so it’s just a matter of continuing to forward this message on until someone who knows this person reports it to their local authortities, right?

3 – They have HIV or AIDS so that automatically makes them guilty of spreading the virus since they already have it. That’s what all people living with the virus do – they spread it without acknowledging they have it with their partner(s).

All seemingly logical reasons to press Forward/Copy/Paste and send, right? Sure.

*throwback photo* you gotta be kidding me face

Wellllllll…let’s look at the other side of the burnt toast shall we?

Hypothetical Situation:

My boyfriend got caught cheating with my best friend. I’m mad as hell. I am hurt. I thought we were going to get married. My best friend even told me he was the one for me. Sooo, who do I take my anger and pain out on? Well, I have the password to my boyfriend’s old MySpace account. I go into it and message ALL the females on his list that he has contracted AIDS and I name my best friend. I know it’s a lie but I don’t care. At least no one in THIS town will want them. But that’s not good enough. I log into his Facebook and since I know his changes go to his phone I’m subtle and just change the captions on his pictures. On one,  I put “Me before I got AIDS” and then I find a group picture of me, my now ex, my former bestie and some dude and I tag her with the caption “The dirty chick”. I do all of this and somehow it’s just not enough. Now I’m feeling better because it’s done and no one can prove I did it. But wait, I can put the cherry on the pie – I’m texting all the females in my ex’s phone because he was trusting enough to give me his password after we watched “Why Did I Get Married”. I put a picture, paste a fake story about how he is spreading the virus and in the subject line I make sure to put Fwd at least three times. Done.

Now, let’s sit back and marinate on that, mm k pumpkins? I’ll wait.

...waiting...

I’m sure that it sunk in as you were reading but I hope you now realize the true danger in sending/forwarding text messages is this:

1 – IF the information you are forwarding is true, you are violating the individuals privacy and disclosing their status without their consent. If you were HIV positive would you want random text messages flying around about you?

2 – As mentioned in the above “hypothetical situation”, that picture could have come from anywhere and under any motive. Be careful for it could be your picture circulating the grapevine.

3 – You canNOT tell if a person has HIV/AIDS by looking at them nor should you listen to heresay regarding someone else’s status. Especially if you don’t even know your own!  This is considered defamation of character folks. Be warned.

If you really want to put a stop to the spread of HIV/AIDS, get tested, use condoms the RIGHT way and ALL the time, don’t test yourself through others. Be willing to have the conversation about protection, be willing to educate non-sexually active individuals to remain abstinent and in mutually monogamous relationships. It CAN be done, it just takes YOU to make a different choice!

just because you don't see it, doesn't mean it's not there.

…it’s been a long time…

 

got some updates for those that have wondered where i’ve been…

driving somewhere - evidently i'm happy to go there

so i’ve dusted off this blog here and decided to fill you in on the blessed perpetual life of yours truly.

since my last post i’ve had several spirtual growth spurts. they all led to this reality check and empowerment of myself. i realized i have a stigma against myself. so worried about making sure that everyone else is ok with me, it was easy to pretend that i was ok. well…i wasn’t.

so, now i’m on my medications. truvada, reyataz and norvir – once a day everyday at 8:00 p.m. Tuesdays are my favorite because that’s when Pretty Little Liars comes on ABC Family. Wednesdays are the hardest because I have Bible study and it doesn’t end until 8:30 so I have to remember to keep a stash in my purse and a bottle of water.

Yummy!!!! I get to have these before dessert!

always having weight issues and unrelenting high blood pressure, i invested in a treadmill. well, actually…i told my boyfriend i wanted to buy one and he got it for me. Ok, i know some of you see two things odd about that sentence. Yes, you read correctly, I have a boyfriend. More about him later! Second, most women would be insulted that their man bought them a treadmill, but I LOVE IT! He keeps it at his house and while he’s at work, I’m supposed to work out. More about that later too.

workin on my fitness

Just so you know before I tell the WHOLE story, I am actually engaged to previously mentioned boyfriend! Yayyyy meee!! Didn’t see that one coming…not even with my glasses on!

"Now unto Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think according to the power that works in us, to Him be the glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. Amen." Ephesians 3:20

I have been petitioned by some church members to do a faith-based HIV workshop this year. This fall…as in next month. Woah. So yeah, I’ve been doing a LOT of getting my head right, eliminating distractions (even the good ones!) and BIBLE study! So, all in all, yours truly is doing wonderful. There will be posts about wedding planning in here (as of this date, I’m half loving it and half ready to just get the paper and call it a day). I will also be posting more about my random self. As I close in on the age of 30, I have really gotten more comfortable with who I am as a woman and give less energy to what people expect me to be by now. I have sworn to never ask a teenager “Where do you see yourself in ten years?” I find that question adds a lot of pressure to the subconcious and when those ten years have passed and you are not living in ANYthing that you studdered in your pubescent years, you’re left feeling very inadequate and unmotivated.

So, I will bring this to a close for now. Enjoy the pics. xoxo